Monday, 17 October 2011

Waiting to come - a personal history of orgasms

My husband and I were each others first lovers thirteen years ago. We were nervous and clumsy. I hated my body and thought myself fat and ugly. I had never had an orgasm.

It was with him that I had my first orgasm with his beautifully gentle tongue. But never through intercourse. I felt embarrassed that I couldn't - surely every one did and could. I remember talking about sex at school with friends. Before I had ever "done it" and they talked about coming together - having orgasms together. This is what you see in the movies, so that's what happens, right? When I was twelve I was called frigid by a boy who wanted to put his arm round me and I said no. He must have been right - I was frigid.

My husband-to-be kindly gifted me with my first vibrator. With that I learnt to create beautiful orgasms for myself. And then I learnt to do it for myself without any electronic aids, that was a really proud achievement. But still I "couldn't" do it with him. I did a lot of reading - according to the research a large percentage of women cannot orgasm during intercourse, it is not unusual at all.

Our sex life became tense - I felt under pressure, he felt under pressure. And then I just gave up. And almost gave up on sex all together. It wasn't how I wanted it to be. He didn't get what I needed, he couldn't hear me.

My first child's birth was orgasmic, quite unexpected. But between that birth and the next nearly three years later he just seemed to give up. His tongue never came to visit any more. Sex was boring. He did it to my body, not to me. It was perfunctory, not pleasurable or personal.

And then after the birth of my second child, I felt under pressure to perform my services very soon afterwards. Just ten days after birth. I felt cross that I was under pressure. But he was so gentle, so loving, he made love to me, the whole of me, every part of my body. And my womb, remembering the pulses of birth, began to throb, and waves of pleasure came over me. After nine years of sex with him, I orgasemed with him inside me. I sobbed with pleasure.

It didn't happen again until after the next birth. Almost two years later. Again ten days after birth. Again a ground shaking orgasm. And since then it is a regular occurrence.

I am so excited about our sex life now. After three children it is the best it has ever been. We know each other. We are closer. There is a level of trust, openness, and connection from having gone through three births together. Nothing is hidden or shameful. Through the ups and downs of parenthood and mental fragility we have found each other physically. This is not how people tell you that it is. You are "supposed" to know how to have orgasms naturally. You are supposed to have hot sex in your teens and early twenties. Your sex life is supposed to get worse over the years of marriage. It is supposed to decline after babies, stretched vaginas and saggy boobs. But this is not true, not for me. And I am so happy for that.

If this is a topic of interest for you, get your hands on a copy of The Hite Report by Shere Hite. It reports the research of thousands of women talking about their sex lives - women young and old, straight, gay, mothers and not.


  1. You are so so blessed. Well done to you and your husband for not giving up on it. It gives hope to us all. x

  2. I loved this post - and really feel like you've given me hope!

    My husband was also my first sexual partner; I knew very little about sex and my own sexuality before I married him and after five years have pretty much despaired of the idea of attaining orgasm together with him...I just didn't think it was something I would ever be able to do. The sex isn't's just not a matter of coming together.

    It is kind of something I've always held up as that unattainable dream...I don't think I ever would have connected the idea with being totally comfortable and connected. Now I kind of think I have something to look forward to... :) Thank you for sharing your experience!

  3. I masturbated at a very young age, but have never been able to manually cause orgasm for myself - ever. I had a handful of sexual partners before I ever reached orgasm. In the beginning, it was during sex with me on top and the stars had to align. (Nipple stim and his heavy breathing - which I know he specifically started doing when he could tell I was close.)

    And then his body changed. And he said that position "tickled." I was no longer able to reach orgasm. At all. (I also tried Depo Provera at this time. I've been led to believe that may have made matters worse.)

    I often felt pressured, but sometimes he would spend a lot of time trying to push me to orgasm. I felt a lot of pressure about it and we both felt disappointment. I shed MANY tears. We tried toys (battery and electric) as well as oral stimulation... all to no avail.

    And then... THEN I heard about a medical study on the efficacy of Viagra in women with sexual dysfunction. I signed up and was (thankfully) not given a placebo. I received Viagra. It was a double-blind study, but there was no doubt that I had received the real deal. My lips (on my face) changed color and tingled after taking it. And finally, after 7 years, I had an orgasm (using an electric massager). And it blew every other orgasm I'd ever had out of the water. What I had experienced before were "mini orgasms," to say the least!

    The idea behind the use of Viagra for women was that it would not be needed permanently, but rather "re-prime the pump" - reminding our bodies of how they were supposed to work on their own. I got to where I took it maybe once per month and only required a fourth of the smallest dose. I also had to take Motrin with it or I got a headache.

    The study was determined to not show enough conclusive evidence to warrant further research. That is disappointing. I hope other women will read my story and ask their doctors for this possible solution.

    I have never again been able to orgasm during sex. I've had a couple of orgasms through oral stimulation, but even that is rare. I seem to require vibration, but at least I can use battery operated toys now, rather than requiring electricity like I once did.

    Through trial and error (and some frustration), I can occasionally reach orgasm with my partner inside me - using a vibrator. But again, the stars must align. Most of the time, I "do me" after sex is over, but my husband lies with me and helps... inspire me.

    Thank you for sharing your story here. The "every woman can come" is SUCH a common misnomer, a heartbreaking one at that. I did LOTS of research, too... but it had never been enough.

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