Abortion

Photo Credit: karindalziel

July 2009 – I had major PMS for weeks but my period was nowhere in sight. Never imagined I might be pregnant. Had no plans for a kid. Was beyond busy as a professional who traveled all over the U.S. The husband and I planned on adopting when we were in our 40’s. A kid now would mess up our lifestyle. Plus, I hated my husband and was planning on leaving him. Marriage wasn’t really my thing but that is another post for another time.

Late July 2009 – a coworker kept insisting I was pregnant so to shut her up I peed on a stick. Damn stick read “positive” when the first drop of hormone laden urine hit it at 7:00pm. I took 13 more tests over the next 12 hours convinced they had to be wrong. They weren’t.

I crumpled in a ball in the living room and told my husband the bad news. This was on a Friday night. He shit himself. He asked what we were going to do. I told him the answer was obvious. Abortion. A kid was not what we needed right now.

The next day I high tailed it out of town and got drunker than I had even been in my life. I stayed drunk for 24 hours. My girlfriend took good care of me as I literally threw up everything I ever had inside me. I was secretly hoping I’d kill this kid with all the alcohol. It didn’t work. Instead I kicked off the start of 14 weeks of intense all day/all night morning sickness. My punishment for polluting my body in an attempt to rid myself of this child.

That Monday I showed up at Planned Parenthood too embarrassed and scared to tell my doctor I wanted an abortion. I was already in my thirties, made good money, and had no good reason to not keep this child…other than wanting to leave my husband and feeling stuck if I was carrying his kid.

I scheduled the abortion. I felt a little twinge of guilt but ignored it. Life would go on.

Because of my work schedule I was not able to have the abortion until mid-August. This was ok timing wise…I would only be 10 weeks along.

But a funny thing happened while I was waiting for that appointment…

I became a mom.

I literally woke up one morning and just lost my shit. The guilt of even considering an abortion was overwhelming. I was growing a human being in my body…a human being that was supposed to be here. And here I was trying to play God. For no good reason other than selfishness. Deep in my heart, in my soul, I was already a mother.

I told my husband I was keeping the baby. He breathed a sigh of relief. We both cried. I went into hippie, crunchy earth mama overdrive that night. I’ve stayed a hippie, crunchy earth mama ever since.

My pregnancy was pretty rough. I had numerous bizarre health issues (all pregnancy related) and my job was crushing me. My boss was pissed that I was pregnant and not only expected that I carry my client load but he offloaded many of his commitments on me. I was literally out of town for 98% of my pregnancy. I was barely able to make my doctor appointments. It was a very stressful time.

Despite being on board with my pregnancy, my husband and I were not faring well as a couple. Lord knows we tried to get our stuff together but we fought constantly. One night, we have a really nasty fight resulting in me spitting in his face and he knocking me to the ground. I was 7 months pregnant. With pneumonia. In December. I walked out the door and spent the night in my car in a parking lot. My daughter and I really bonded that night. I talked to her, apologized to her over and over again for so many things. I apologized for almost aborting her then in the same breath apologized that she was coming into a cruel world, a world where her mother and father could not stand the sight of each other. I cried and cried and cried. I was cold. I shivered all night long. I got mad. I should have had that abortion. What the hell was I thinking?

I was a mess for several weeks after that. Torn between exhilaration and dread. Torn between love and hate. Torn between guilt and letting go.

41 weeks after one sperm met one egg, my daughter was born. As with the entire process, my birth experience was as far from what I envisioned as possible. But the second I laid eyes on my daughter, my life changed. I was not longer that person who so shamefully considered abortion. I was no longer the wife who hated her husband. I was a mom. I was part of a family. And darn it, I was going to make up for all the sins of my early pregnancy.

Abortion is a very difficult topic for me now. On the one hand, I am still very much pro-choice as it is not my place in this world to decide what is best for another woman. I am not pro-abortion. I would never advocate for it. I am definitely pro-life so long as that life is a decent one. I would never advocate for a baby to be brought into a situation where their health and welfare would be continually compromised. Where every single day of their life is a struggle filled with pain and hardship.

There is a planned parenthood nearby and protestors stand outside with signs and pictures of aborted fetuses. I choke and gag as I go by. Becoming a mother, a mother who almost wasn’t, has changed how I feel about those babies…those babies who were not given a chance at life. I cannot imagine life without my daughter. I don’t remember life without my daughter. Thinking about life without her makes me physically ill. I love her with every ounce of my being. Our souls are so deeply connected. Cosmic forces have brought us together as mother and daughter and remembering how I almost destroyed this opportunity to be my daughter’s mother just kills me inside. My daughter chose me and I so casually was going to just throw away her life.

I do not think I will ever come to a resolution about abortion. I just know that I will never have one. And the chances of me supporting someone I know personally, should she decide to go that route, are slim. It would hurt me to the core.