Gambling it all for love

I married my husband nearly 10 years ago.  It was total love at first sight.  I thought he was way out of my league and then he started to notice me.  The first night I met him all cards were laid on the table and by 2am the following morning there were no skeletons lurking in any closets.  Among the things we discussed was his heroine addiction.   He had been clean for a number of years and I truly marvelled this amazing person for being so in touch with himself and was sure it was thanks to the intensive counselling from the drug treatment programme.  Before too long we were inseparable.  We married a year and a half after we met.

Two months later I discovered, totally accidentally, that he was using cocaine.  And quite a lot of it.  I will not go into it too much as this is all in the past but after trying to come to arrangements with banks and creditors to cover his debts, we moved counties.  It was a fresh, wonderful start.  Two years later our first child was born.  My husband was such a proud daddy and really supportive of my home birth and breastfeeding.  I think it was about 5 months later that he told me he had gambled a whole week's wages in the bookies.  Needless to say, I was devastated.  BUT it would be OK.  It was a one-off.  We were OK.

Over the next 3 years 3 more children came along, the recession hit and he lost his job.  During this time there had been 'issues' with his gambling and I had always tried to approach it in a supportive - lets work together on this, sort of a way.  Occasionally I got very angry but neither approach seemed to have any long term effect.  Then 15 months ago, again, purely by accident, I discovered he had gambled 7 months of our mortgage money.  I discovered this the day before we were due to go on holiday with my parents and the children were so so excited and were constantly talking about what they were going to do with daddy at the sea side.  I decided we would all still go and I would make a decision about our marriage when we got home.

I should have left him but I find that time heals (or maybe pastes over the cracks a little) and it was easier to just keep going.  He promised me he would go to gamblers anonymous, which he did a couple of times (well often enough to get the book and the DVD) and then, accidentally (again) I found he had lied and was just driving around the town.  I used to sit in my car feeding the kids sweets to keep them quiet whilst I watched the door of the betting shop as I just knew, I always knew, but for some reason needed the evidence.

Then we made a dramatic decision to move countries.  We packed up, shipped out and posted the house keys back to bank with no forwarding address.  At the time I felt we were drowning in so much debt that we could never swim out of it.  I was also drowning in fear, stress, depression and weakness.  I have always been the one that has jumped in and tried to fix things, made money available, compromised on emotions, budgets, the welfare of the children, just to try and bail us out.

So ten months ago we got the amazing opportunity to move.  We invested in ourselves, our children and planned a future in our new country.  My husband got a job with good prospects and one he loves and is extremely good at.  I have been so proud of him.  I have been so caught up in helping the children settle and admiring their resilience, in being so grateful for the chance to have a marriage at last, a nice house in a wonderful location and making new friends, that I took my eye off the ball.

I knew something was up in September and my instincts were right, as they always have been, that he had been gambling again.  I knew he had hidden some money from his salary and I knew he had spent the remaining money after paying the rent etc, way too quickly.  His mood was very volatile and most of his anxiety came out in aggression towards the children.  He didn't hit them or anything like that but he shouted and swore at them nearly all day, everyday.  He spent most of his time on the sofa watching TV and didn't get involved in family life like he normally does when not a work.  He didn't touch me once in the three weeks he was home before going away again for work.

I sent him an email to discuss finances.  He received the email well, didn't get cross and didn't deny or admit that he had been gambling again.  I knew he had, he knew he had and now he knew I knew he had...

It seemed everything was going to be OK AGAIN.  We can get through this AGAIN.  It was just a slip up AGAIN.  And really, all was going to be just fine.

Today I discovered, totally accidentally (well OK, not totally accidentally, I was snooping), the extent of the financial situation he has created over the last 4 months whilst I have been basking in the glory of our new lives together.

I am tired, I have no more resources or cards up my sleeve to fix things, he is threatening our security again, and all of a sudden I am drowning.

Tonight I shouted at the children whilst they were brushing their teeth.  They all went to bed in tears.  I tried to hug them and tell them that mummy had just had a tough day but they are too young to understand.  He doesn't see how his 'illness' (and I hate it when people call addiction an illness) effects me and then how that effects the children.  He doesn't see the damage being done to their self esteem when he is home and shouting all of the time.  He doesn't see how I can not sleep, relax, laugh, breath.  He doesn't see that I am ready to wrap my 4 babies in a blanket and run and hide. 

As I write this, he doesn't know that I know the extent of his gambling.

My close friend has told me in the past that I am so strong to stay and try and work it out over all these years.  But the truth is you have to be stronger to leave than to stay.  I don't know where to get that strength from.  I don't know how to start the ball rolling.  He has no idea this is on the cards.  By the time he gets home next week, will time have pasted over the cracks again and will I be feeling this way in years to come?  I am so fearful that it will not be amicable.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and be two years down the line, on my own with my children safely nestled under my wings.